I am my own worst enemy.

2.10.2018

I've been wanting to write a post like this for ages. The main thing that has stopped me from going ahead with this was me. Even this moment of me wanting to type more on the keyboard, i'm struggling to find the words that I want to put to paper. I've tried putting my thoughts down on many occasions but if I don't, I can just bury it again until the next time. I normally come across as this bubbly smiley person so some people probably don't even realise how I treat myself. Don't get me wrong - its not that i'm unhappy, i'm just unhappy with my self esteem.

It's really hit home recently how ignoring your self esteem and letting it rule you when its in the shitter is wrong. Ignoring it doesn't fix anything, ignoring it will only make the weight of it feel heavier and heavier. A huge factor of it finally hitting me was having one of my best friends that's known me longer than anyone else (apart from family obvs) tell me that she can see that I struggle with my self esteem. I hadn't even told her - yet she could see it. 

I have always considered myself to be a confident person. Its not until I put the definition of confidence next to self esteem I realised the two aren't far apart from one another. Perhaps i'm not as confident as I convince myself to be. "The esteem part of self-esteem comes from the Latin verb aestimare, meaning to value. The "self" part is self-explanatory, referring to you, yourself. So think of self-esteem as how you value yourself." 

I keep letting my self esteem ruin things. I dwell on things, I obsess over it, I mentally punish myself for it. It's not fair on anyone who is around me and it's certainly not fair on myself. 

You don't understand how much of a struggle it was uploading this shot for this post. This was snapped in the last few days of my holiday late last year in Mexico. I knew I had put on some weight in the duration of the holiday and it hit my self esteem hard. 
An example of this would be the amount of pressure I put on myself to feel good with the body I have. I've never been a lean poster-girl type of person, which makes me over analyse how I look in what I wear. I have an hourglass body shape - I have hips, a big ol' bum that some girls would love to have and thighs that would never be blessed with the 'thigh gap' that us girls dream for. What have I got to complain about I hear you cry? All I want is to love what I have.

I distinctively remember being on holiday a few years ago and I was sitting by the side of the pool overly conscious of who is potentially looking my way. In hindsight you must have been able to see the awkwardness in me. Near me was these two girls absolutely rocking it. Their dress size was a few sizes bigger than mine, but they were wearing bikinis and were so bubbly and seemed so high on life. They looked amazing. That's what I need to find for myself, that radiance of self esteem. Loving who I am and what I have.

It makes me so sad that how I feel about myself effects people around me. Especially when they can see what I struggle to see. I've had many a conversation with my closest girls, my boyfriend and even on the occasion my parents and I always end up feeling bummed out. Not from what they say - from how i'm making myself feel over the whole thing.

I am my own worst enemy.

It was hard hearing that for the first time. It made me cry because I knew it was true. The more I come to terms with my low self esteem and the words I need to hear the happier I know i'll become. 

Having a great self esteem doesn't mean losing weight, it doesn't mean I should feel guilty for every single thing I eat and I should certainly put less pressure on myself when i'm stressed and hormonal especially when it takes it toll on my skin. All I want is to be able to love what I have and feel amazing for it.

I've never been one to physically punish myself; by this I mean that I would never starve myself knowing I was hungry. I know that's how eating disorders happen. But I sure would mentally punish myself. I'd make myself feel guilty in any instance. If I ate a lovely healthy filling dinner - I'd tell myself I'm stopping myself from enjoying the foods that make me happy. On the flipside - eat one too many snacks or perhaps a cheat meal then I guilt myself even more for eating wrong and never losing the little chunk of weight that I want to. I thought I got better at hiding the thoughts so no one knew what would be going on in my head. Especially when I should have been doing things like concentrating on a film or trying to relax before going to bed. I started to let it swallow me and I would obsess over how it would make me feel. The people close to me started to notice.

I'm really wanting to snap out of this though.

I follow so many body positive accounts on Instagram and I've unfollowed all the ones that feed my obsession of not appreciating what I have and needing something i'm not. In this day and age people (not just women) should show their love for one another. Proving that all bodies are beautiful and showing that being healthy and happy is the thing that everyone should desire to be. 

I think my goal for this year is to finally boost my self esteem but to also not force it. It will take time and patience. Exercise, get my nails done, spend time relaxing, enjoy food and go for long walks with the dog to de-stress. I know that those who are close to me will probably see this change in myself before I do - and that's okay. But i'll get there. 


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