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I am my own worst enemy.

2.10.2018

I've been wanting to write a post like this for ages. The main thing that has stopped me from going ahead with this was me. Even this moment of me wanting to type more on the keyboard, i'm struggling to find the words that I want to put to paper. I've tried putting my thoughts down on many occasions but if I don't, I can just bury it again until the next time. I normally come across as this bubbly smiley person so some people probably don't even realise how I treat myself. Don't get me wrong - its not that i'm unhappy, i'm just unhappy with my self esteem.

It's really hit home recently how ignoring your self esteem and letting it rule you when its in the shitter is wrong. Ignoring it doesn't fix anything, ignoring it will only make the weight of it feel heavier and heavier. A huge factor of it finally hitting me was having one of my best friends that's known me longer than anyone else (apart from family obvs) tell me that she can see that I struggle with my self esteem. I hadn't even told her - yet she could see it. 

I have always considered myself to be a confident person. Its not until I put the definition of confidence next to self esteem I realised the two aren't far apart from one another. Perhaps i'm not as confident as I convince myself to be. "The esteem part of self-esteem comes from the Latin verb aestimare, meaning to value. The "self" part is self-explanatory, referring to you, yourself. So think of self-esteem as how you value yourself." 

I keep letting my self esteem ruin things. I dwell on things, I obsess over it, I mentally punish myself for it. It's not fair on anyone who is around me and it's certainly not fair on myself. 

You don't understand how much of a struggle it was uploading this shot for this post. This was snapped in the last few days of my holiday late last year in Mexico. I knew I had put on some weight in the duration of the holiday and it hit my self esteem hard. 
An example of this would be the amount of pressure I put on myself to feel good with the body I have. I've never been a lean poster-girl type of person, which makes me over analyse how I look in what I wear. I have an hourglass body shape - I have hips, a big ol' bum that some girls would love to have and thighs that would never be blessed with the 'thigh gap' that us girls dream for. What have I got to complain about I hear you cry? All I want is to love what I have.

I distinctively remember being on holiday a few years ago and I was sitting by the side of the pool overly conscious of who is potentially looking my way. In hindsight you must have been able to see the awkwardness in me. Near me was these two girls absolutely rocking it. Their dress size was a few sizes bigger than mine, but they were wearing bikinis and were so bubbly and seemed so high on life. They looked amazing. That's what I need to find for myself, that radiance of self esteem. Loving who I am and what I have.

It makes me so sad that how I feel about myself effects people around me. Especially when they can see what I struggle to see. I've had many a conversation with my closest girls, my boyfriend and even on the occasion my parents and I always end up feeling bummed out. Not from what they say - from how i'm making myself feel over the whole thing.

I am my own worst enemy.

It was hard hearing that for the first time. It made me cry because I knew it was true. The more I come to terms with my low self esteem and the words I need to hear the happier I know i'll become. 

Having a great self esteem doesn't mean losing weight, it doesn't mean I should feel guilty for every single thing I eat and I should certainly put less pressure on myself when i'm stressed and hormonal especially when it takes it toll on my skin. All I want is to be able to love what I have and feel amazing for it.

I've never been one to physically punish myself; by this I mean that I would never starve myself knowing I was hungry. I know that's how eating disorders happen. But I sure would mentally punish myself. I'd make myself feel guilty in any instance. If I ate a lovely healthy filling dinner - I'd tell myself I'm stopping myself from enjoying the foods that make me happy. On the flipside - eat one too many snacks or perhaps a cheat meal then I guilt myself even more for eating wrong and never losing the little chunk of weight that I want to. I thought I got better at hiding the thoughts so no one knew what would be going on in my head. Especially when I should have been doing things like concentrating on a film or trying to relax before going to bed. I started to let it swallow me and I would obsess over how it would make me feel. The people close to me started to notice.

I'm really wanting to snap out of this though.

I follow so many body positive accounts on Instagram and I've unfollowed all the ones that feed my obsession of not appreciating what I have and needing something i'm not. In this day and age people (not just women) should show their love for one another. Proving that all bodies are beautiful and showing that being healthy and happy is the thing that everyone should desire to be. 

I think my goal for this year is to finally boost my self esteem but to also not force it. It will take time and patience. Exercise, get my nails done, spend time relaxing, enjoy food and go for long walks with the dog to de-stress. I know that those who are close to me will probably see this change in myself before I do - and that's okay. But i'll get there. 


The Undercover Non-Vegan #1

2.06.2018

I'm an absolute lover of food. For those of you that actually know me, i'm sure you are aware i'm not fussy and I pretty much happily eat anything. I always want to try new foods too. I wanted to start a blogging series called 'The Undercover Non-Vegan' because when I have food dates with my friend Ellen we always go to locations that suit her lifestyle. Which makes me feel like i'm going under cover and hopefully i'm not sussed out for not being a Vegan. I want to blog about locations that serve great Vegan food options, or perhaps even places that you may not think cater for Vegans.

One location I have been to on numerous occasions now is a lovely little business in Hitchin, Hertfordshire called Chia. "At Chia we are strong believers that by eating healthy and nutritious superfoods, we are not only benefiting our lives but the earth and its beings too. The Plant Based Project’s objective is to evolve the way we think, the way we eat and ultimately the way we live, by offering you the choice to experience a better you." 

The BLT - Big Lean and Toasty

I've tried quite a few options now from their menu, so far I haven't even been disappointed! From breakfast dishes to hot meals, hot bevvies and smoothies/juices - they have a real variety of colourful food. 

The price point of what you can buy there isn't too bad at all, I would definitely say some options are more reasonably priced than others. In terms of drinks - it's what I would expect to pay in your big chain coffee shops for dairy alternative drinks. The food is more or less priced at a typical dinner-dish sort of meal. Even though it's a little more expensive than you anticipate for a cafe, food portions are generous and you also need to bare in mind that some of the ingredients are more expensive to source too. 

That isn't a negative point though, don't let it steer you away from visiting here yourself. The food is incredibly tasty and it completely trumps the thought of Vegan food being bland and boring. I've been here on several occasions and i'll continue to come here working my way through the rest of the menu


Favourite beauty products of 2017

1.09.2018


I really did make a conscious effort last year to invest more in my skin and hair. Not just money but also time and patience. Plus, I have a bad habit of buying too many things to try out and either losing interest or moving onto the next shiny thing.

I've taken more of an interest in double cleansing my face after wearing makeup. I've been trying to use up the Bodyshop Camomile cleansing butter  that I've been neglecting. I forgot how buttery this product is and how amazing it is at melting makeup whilst being so gentle on the skin. Following from this I use a product that is in my everyday skin care routine without fail Liz Earle Cleanse & Polish. Once I've taken the makeup off of my skin I then massage this into my skin making sure my skin is refreshed when I wipe it all off with a muslin cloth.

Sheet masks have become a new favourite for me, especially with the winter months taking it's toll on my skin. I have absolutely been loving the Yes To Tomatoes blemish fighting mask - I kid you not I can definitely notice a difference to my blemishes after using this mask for just one time. It calms my skin and also treats the blemishes. When i'm not battling my blemishes i'm trying to balance my skin. Garnier SkinActive Moisture Bomb Green Tea Hydrating Sheet Face Mask helps with that. I have oily/combination skin (which i'm learning to love) and i'm looking at keeping it balanced.

I've finally accepted the fact that just because I have oily skin doesn't mean I can't nourish my skin with oils. I discovered the Kiehls Midnight Recovery Concentrate to give my skin that extra pampering before bed. On a more recent scale though, I have recently discovered is The Ordinary by Deciem products. They have many products for different skin types and all for a really good price! It makes you wonder how some of the other beauty brands can justify charging so much.

I've always been one for wanting fabulous lashes. What girl hasn't? During the year I would have LVL treatments done to my eyelashes. Which is actually a really nice treatment to have done. It's a treatment that effectively tints and perms your lashes and usually lasts for about 6-8 weeks. I wanted to try something different though and I decided to purchase Revitalash. I'm not going to lie. Revitalash isn't cheap - but I definitely notice a positive difference and I don't think I'll stop using the product anytime soon! It's effectively an eyelash conditioner to help nourish and condition your eyelashes to help them grow and be stronger.

Lets talk hair. One brand I have fallen in love this year was OUAI (pronounced like 'way') and their hair oil. I originally purchased this for when I went to Mexico and I loved using it in my hair whilst I was there. To the point that it was the main hair product that I reached for until it was empty! More recently though I stumbled across the Loreal Paris Elvive Extraordinary Oil In Cream. During the winter months my hair becomes even drier than normal and this leave in cream is amazing for my midlengths and ends. After washing my hair i'll pop in some serum and then the leave in cream too.

Finally one product that I can't believe I forgot to include in my original post is the Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour cream. I purchased this tube back in January 2017 and it is still going strong! This is by far THE best product I have ever used on my lips or dry skin! Worth every penny and i'll be sad when I have to buy a new one! Originally I thought this product was only for dry lips but I can't believe how my conditions this product can help with and not just on your face!

What were your 2017 favourites? Comment them below!


 


17 things i'm taking from 2017

1.07.2018


  1. It's okay not to be okay. Being happy and feeling great 100% is practically impossible. You need the negatives to truly make the most of the positives.
  2. It's a new day tomorrow. Don't let today ruin it if it was a bad one. 
  3. Weight goes up and down. Focus on being healthy and happy. Even if your goal is to lose weight. Focus less on the scales.
  4. Social media encourages a false impression of peoples lives. Don't feel like your Instagram needs a 'theme' or should look a certain way to get interaction.
  5. Fresh air does you good. Clear your head more often.
  6. Just because you feel you aren't doing things the 'normal way' doesn't mean its the wrong way.
  7. Make more time for the hobbies you enjoy. It's okay though if you can't spare the time all the time. 
  8. You need to sleep more.
  9. If you diet constantly - you'll crash. You'll crash hard too. Don't put your mental state through that again.
  10. Moana is a great film and it makes you happy. Keep watching it. 
  11. Listen more to those that love you.
  12. Stop filling your life with clutter. 
  13. You'll never find that missing sock. Buy some new ones damn it.
  14. Stop picking at your spots. Even though you know this and still choose to ignore it from time to time. 
  15. Go and explore more of the world. Even its a different country or not. 
  16. You can never take too many photos. 
  17. You do you. 


Royal Blood ~ Alexandra Palace

11.28.2017

Last week the wait was over. The Royal Blood 2018 tour had reached Alexandra Palace in London. Scott and I ventured down there on the train not only excited to see Royal Blood perform, but the little piggies that we are - we wanted to get our hands on some fooooooood.

Quite fortunately we live in a location in which it isn't a terribly long journey to venture into London via the trains. In hindsight we wished we drove though, it wasn't particularly difficult to get to but with the cold winter weather we have right now, a cosy car journey home wouldn't have gone a miss! After chowing down on two fully loaded burritos (yes, we're still trying to get over our Mexico holiday blues!). We were ready to watch them perform! 


As expected, Royal Blood were absolutely amazing. Performing a good mixture of songs played from both of their albums. Having the whole crowd singing along and also as predicted, screaming for an encore right at the end finishing off with Ten Tonne Skeleton. If you want to listen to some music that's performed brilliantly live. Go and see Royal Blood. 

On a side note though, I do love to people watch whilst standing in a crowd of people. You find so many different types of characters. I suppose at gigs you have stereotypical types of people: 1. The hardcore/passionate fans - these types of people are singing every single song word for word as if they are the bands biggest and most important fan. 2. The drunken fans - those ones that probably wish they didn't get as drunk as they did at the start of the gig, resulting in them trying to dance off their drunkeness in hope they sober up a little. 3. The ' i'll film it all on my phone/ipad fans - I'm partial to taking a snap or two even if its a few seconds long of a video of  a song I love, but seriously you've paid to be there for the atmosphere, put the camera down once in a while! And finally 4. The 'I came here for my other half/friends' fan - the tag along that was invited for the great night out, doesn't know any lyrics or perhaps knows a few lines here or there whilst they're standing there. 




Manchester - better late than never!

11.27.2017

I completely intended on writing this post closer to the time but I just simply don't know where the time has gone! About 10 days ago I visited my cousin who's currently at university in Manchester. I asked her to show me some of her favourite places to go in the time that I had with her. Considering before this visit I had never been to Manchester before - I was pretty excited to see whats what. Due to bad traffic on my way up to her, I only had a full day with her before I was due to leave. First stop: Afflecks Palace.


Everywhere I turned there was something that caught my eye. The building has such character - don't forget each shop stall or coffee shop of course! The building had very much an indie-vibe to it which is something i'm not usually exposed to in all honesty! So everything had my attention. My cousin took me to one shop called Messy Makeup who feature henna art. Sadly this is something I couldn't possibly get away with for work but my cousin went right ahead.




Those that know me would know I love a good shopping spree! Some stumbling across this vintage clothes shop which had a Kilo Sale amused me. 1 Kilo's worth of clothing for only £15. Of course I was really trying to be on my best behaviour and i'm proud to say I managed to resist all purchases!

Something really did make me giggle on my journey to and from Manchester. A reminder that i'm becoming a full fledged adult - I was thinking 'what a lovely smooth drive' whilst on the M6 toll road. Even right now I find myself smirking... oh dear... 




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